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My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It’s in the apartment somewhere.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, ‘What for?’ I said, ‘I’m going to buy some sugar.’
Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say ‘What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!’
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?