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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.