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My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle – keep away from children.
The reason women don’t play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.