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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up – they have no holidays.
This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he’s Frank and in Chicago he’s Ernest.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.
What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
I’ve got all the money I’ll ever need, if I die by four o’clock.
When I told my doctor I couldn’t afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
She’s been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.